Too Much

I GIVE TOO MUCH

I LIVE TOO MUCH

I TRY TOO MUCH

I CRY TOO MUCH

I TELL TOO MUCH

I YELL TOO MUCH

I TRUST TOO MUC

I LUST TOO MUCH

I L💗VE TOO MUCH

BUT FOR YOU…IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

 

Its Been Awhile

It has officially been over 4 months since the Dark Narc left my life…again.  I have to say that for the most part I feel pretty good.  I see the control that he had over me and realize that he loves to control me but it can and will never go any further than that. This is something I didn’t understand before and the tool I will now use to escape his viscous cycle…

….a few weeks ago he returned, just as he has done in the past….like clockwork (down to the time of year).  The silent treatment ended and as if nothing happened he came back wanting to help me, finding excuses to come around (our damn house that I am trying to sell, being his only connection but definitely the way in).  As soon as I sell it, I know that I will truly be FREE but for now, I will use my Newfound Narc skills to keep him away or at least at bay.

Only this time, I am different.  This time I see the game he plays and refuse to play.  I think he senses this because he backed off a little and I am showing him that I do not need or want him, I do however still “feel” for him and probably always will.  I believe this infuriates him and the fact that our daughter is still giving him a dose of his own medicine (SILENCE) and he has no control.

YOU…my CATCH 22

I have tried my entire life to always see the positive in everything and not grow bitter. I have seen how bitterness can eat away at you and make you a miserable and almost intolerable person (both my dad and grandma). I decided early on to look at my life, my hardships, mistakes, letdowns, and my most recent eye opener (I’ve loved a narc for 20 years) as lessons that I have and need to grow from.  So for the most part, I try to smile and make the best of my pain, turn it into to power and positive energy.

Tonight though as I was reading a blog on Knowing the Narcissist about the lines narcs use to manipulate us into thinking they are the victim, I could not help but feel an overwhelming sense of anger and bitterness!  How FUCKING dare you point a finger at me and make me feel guilty when you once again walked away from myself and our kids for no “real” reason.  How dare you think you should get half of what is mine and what I have paid for and have the audacity to demand more.  How dare you continue to throw your never ending pity party for yourself for all of the wrongs I have done, all of the let downs, when you sir have drop kicked me to the ground more times now than I can think of.

But YOU are my catch 22 because I ever loved you…damned if I don’t and damned if I do!!

BOOM…

The Final Word…

the-final-word

I love you….when you give me the fuel I need

You are the only one I’ll ever love…until your fuel runs low then I will find someone else

I love you to the moon and back…until you disappoint me

No one makes me feel the way you do…in fact no one really makes me feel at all

I need you….to give me what I want when I want it or else

I’m sorry….but you disappointed me so I grew silent and now I want you back

I forgive you…at least for the moment until until yo fail me again

You are my soulmate….that is if I had a soul but for now I will just borrow yours

I can’t stop thinking about you…because I own you and always willthe-final-word

 

 

 

Cheater Repeater

I would never cheat on you, how could you cheat on me?

I flirt to make you jealous bc of what you did to me but it means nothing

I am stronger than you and have more self control…its why I never cross the line.

I cheated on you bc you did it to me first, I would never have otherwise

I’m cheating on her bc I love you so much and forgive you for cheating on me first. I want to spend the rest of my life with you not her.

I cheated on you with her bc I gave up on us and thought she was the one…now I know your the one.

I’m only cheating on her bc its YOU, my true love…the only woman that has ever drawn me to make such recklace decisions
I cheated on you with her bc I just can’t trust you bc you cheated on me first…how you you ever cheat on me? We would never have been in this situation if you would only have been faithful.

How could you cheat on me, I would have  never cheated on you!

Nashville

nashville_city_view

I had to meet with the Dark Narc yesterday to sign a contract on our house.  I have to admit I was extremely nervous.  But, I did observe a few things.  1. I tried to look into his eyes and he refused to make eye contact with me.  2. He is actually a really big coward and I realized that the more I know about him, and the stronger I grow the less power and intimidation he has over me.  Of course he tried!   Said he would be coming over “sometime” to fix up the yard.  I told him he needed to text me first and he looked at me like I was crazy.  Tried to once again tried to gaslight me and say it was my fault that our daughter wont talk to him.  I simply said, I’m sorry that she sees your true colors like I finally do but that is on you, not me…he was silent…it was almost as Golden as the “Golden period”.   Anyway, the meeting actually left me feeling stronger but also realizing that the day I never have to see him again…will be the best day of my life and it is coming soon!  So I am off to Nashville for a girls weekend…never been!  Wish me luck and hopefully I am not oozing any Narcmones….narcs away!!!!

STUPID GIRL

stupid-girls

STUPID GIRL, can you see he is using you as he used me.

Same lines, same cries, same ol’ game just different girl with different name.

STUPID GIRL are you last lost you’d stay with him despite the cost?

I’m telling you so you don’t stay and make the same stupid mistakes.

STUPID GIRL it’s all a show, eventually he’ll let you go.

He’ll raise you up into the sky then drop you down and watch  you cry.

STUPID GIRL look in those eyes and see the truth behind the lies.

You think that your his piece of gold, but it won’t be long till you get old.

STUPID GIRL, I finally see that you never will again be ME!!!

Just Like a Pill, You’re Making me Ill!

pills

I was addicted!  I was addicted to the high he gave me when he came back and loved me with everything he had. I was addicted to the passion and sex. I was addicted to the love that I gave him.  I was addicted to the hope that this time it would work, it would be different, we would both get along and love each other for who we are.  I was high but I was never sure exactly what I was high on.  Why I had the craving and why it always went away when I tried so hard to keep it. I WAS SO HIGH…AND THEN HE PULLED ME DOWN.

The problem was that I didn’t know what was in his little green pills.  I wasn’t aware that they would  stop working whenever he wanted them to.  That they would  eventually make me ill, hurt me, cause so much pain.  If I knew this at the beginning,would I have taken the pill?  I honestly can’t say for sure. All I can say it that now I know that the super high I got at the beginning, will always end, and the pain I felt after the high wears off is never worth the initial high.

So next time he comes by with his shiny green pills…..